


Desolate Heart

by Venusianjikook



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Tragedy, Established Relationship, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Female Characters, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Clarke Griffin, References to Depression, Sad, Soulmates Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 07:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20720426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venusianjikook/pseuds/Venusianjikook
Summary: "She’s my home. I see her in the moon when everyone saw her in the sun, the earth and the sky we are complete opposites that depend on each other to survive. I never minded that but for some reason she did."After losing Lexa, Clarke grieves her loss.





	Desolate Heart

_**Desolate Heart **_

Reaching out for that familiar embrace I was met with a cold and empty space next to me. She was gone.

That rising feeling of complete loneliness swirled around in my stomach almost like butterflies. The cold sweat and warm tears are enough to clear my cloudy conscience yet my soul feels torn in two. Making my way over to the window the moon light engulfs my skin and dances around the room but I still feel like a lifeless exterior in a place I used to call home. It’s not my home any more. _She’s_ my home. I see her in the moon when everyone saw her in the sun, the earth and the sky we are complete opposites that depend on each other to survive. I never minded that but for some reason she did.

The steady rhythm of my feet patting downstairs echoed slightly throughout the abandoned house as I took a seat outside, glancing up to the stars made my heart feel heavy I sought comfort in something millions of miles away to ease my pain.

> “You see that star? That’s ours. Even when I’m gone you’ll be able to look up and see me shining down on you” she smiled and clasped my hand in hers, “The stars are our legacy”.

Corrosive tears streamed down my face – she still is the brightest star in the sky her soul bared for everyone in the galaxy to see. The bitter cold winds nipped at my exposed skin and the moon began to fade again it was almost like a ritual for me at this point without routine I would crumble. I’m a zombie without the satisfaction of flesh. The only humane feeling was the sound of my own pulse in my ears, drumming louder with every tear that dropped.

> "You _love_ Lexa?” “Yes, she knows that” I choked tears down I couldn’t cry in front of him not at a time like this. "She’s not gone forever she’s in everything around us, she'd never leave us” I reassured.

I see her in the night sky, I feel her in my heart. The blood circulating my veins, the breath I take is Lexa.

Have you ever felt like a piece of you is <strike>missing</strike>?

She promised she would never leave me. She _promised_.

Like the calm before the storm everything was peaceful but her serenity towards death always unsettled me. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, how do you prepare yourself to be like this for the rest of your life? Alone.

My heart aches and bleeds cutting deep like a rose but the numbness of my brain sedates me until I can’t tell what’s real or not. Sometimes I think I can hear her humming that soothes my soul, her forest green eyes on the back of my head uncovering my thoughts and her touch that crackles like wildfire against my skin. The surreal realism is addictive but reality is quick to sober my dysmorphic judgement.

Nobody talks about how ugly taking care of yourself can be. It’s not just buying yourself flowers and laughing at a joke with friends. Sometimes it’s silently crying yourself to sleep reminding yourself that you’re a good person. Lexa was always there to wipe away the tears that were brimming in my eyes although there was nothing prosaic to it she simply understood. Only after she was gone I realised the lengths she went to make me feel safe. I miss her more than I miss the person I used to be. The world is a different place after I lost her I still can’t say it out loud I’d rather sulk in denial and despair although I can see how it hurts others around me.

Letting go and accepting it seems completely insane instead I walk around with my heart on my sleeve and a solemn expression trying to fight the manic tendencies bubbling under the surface. The reassuring smiles of others that try to break the mould of my cold, lifeless exterior have stopped caring and I don’t blame them. Lexa knew how stubborn I could be but she admired my strength instead of questioning the source behind it.

> “Don’t be afraid of change, Clarke, it’s never the end” she declared,” Not even death will keep us apart”.

Thick, hot tears betrayed me as I sat alone repeating her words like prayer. Solitude was a stranger as I was met with isolation and it’s cruel companions; _desolation_, _depression_ and _denial_. Swallowing guilt like a pill was becoming easier than the real ones that coaxed my conscience into sedation. The familiar drowsy nausea that followed the last pill flooded my head until opening my eyes seemed like a chore. Settling back to my slumber, I pulled the empty white sheets across my body, the soft candlelight flickered shadows across the walls of my bland bedroom. I glanced over to my window where dying flowers shedded the last of their petals in a flurry to the ground. The blank expression of the surrounding walls felt distant and cold. The empty space next to me never felt so empty, no one to hold in the night. I was a ghost without her, only my own pain to haunt me. Inhaling the lingering scent of perfume in her pillow of subtle lavender and honey. I sighed and let the memories seep into my conscience. It was exhausting trying to fight them. Nostalgia was cruel in tricking me into thinking I was safe and happy again but that never stopped me from reminiscing until I felt her again. I didn't think insanity would feel like this like I’ve lost something that was never even there but my heart conceals what I’m really searching for. Lexa.

My tired eyes fluttered shut until I was in a restless slumber, tossing and turning as the cold sweat glistened on my forehead- I envied the moon as it melted back behind the sun’s reign over the sky. It was so easy to slip away. I didn't feel anything for a while until I felt it all at once. My heartbeat halted into a slow interrupted pattern, I felt my body ascending to a place unknown, my head swam with loud and frightening thoughts when suddenly it was clear.

_Lexa_.

Her soft smile and dreamy eyes made my heart melt. She was the only person in the universe parting planets as we drew closer together. I clinged onto her like it was the last time we'd be together; a part of me knew it was. The world disappeared and we were the only two people left but nothing else mattered than her. I felt alive in her gaze like I’ve been dead for so long before death was able to ease me of my silent suffering. My staggered breath came to a halt as our eyes met. I breathed in every detail of her like it was the last time I’d see her. I didn’t care if she was real or not because she was here- my heart letting her seep into my soul, spreading like an ocean through me. I wasn’t alone anymore as our souls intertwined. Her hands smoothed over my face as she stared deep into my eyes and broke into a smile.

> _ “I told you I’d never leave you”._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading this!! I know its super angsty and I had a whole ass breakdown writing it. This is something that means a lot to me, clexa was so important to me when I was struggling with my own sexuality. Their story ended too soon but it was beautiful and I will cherish them forever.  
Anyway enough of me crying lmaooo. I would appreciate ur feedback since its the first fic I've written,, thank u gays <3


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